At Wits End

After months of just not being able to put my finger on it, I finally realized what it is about parenthood that has me reeling....Ive lost control of my life.

Before I was a mother I was a lot of things. I was a steady, dedicated and (mostly) hardworking employee. I made time for Kake and I's weekly date night. I called my mom almost everyday and never flaked on plans with friends unless I had a really good reason like a contagion or lack of transportation. I treated my body like a temple--well, maybe more like A-class office space--with near daily workouts, surgeon general reccommended 7-8 hours of nightly sleep, monthly pedicures, quarterly hair highlights, and multi-step skin regimens. My biggest vice was ice cream and gummy bears while my house was clean and smelled of fresh linen or pumpkin or mistletoe. Flowers were planted and replanted to signal the passing of each new season and there was always some home improvement, decoration, or cooking project in danger of being crossed off the to-do list.

In the days and months and years before motherhood, I was it all. I was a wife and daughter, a friend, neighbor, coworker and book club member. I was a landscaper and dishwasher, cook and seamstress. And perhaps most importantly I was a glass half full. Every obstacle had a bright side, every tunnel a light, every cloud a silver lining. But now I am only momma. And while some may say that is enough, I cant bring myself to agree.

Its a sobering experience to realize that I could (largely) gracefully juggle all of those aforementioned hats and yet my head spins while trying to provide life's basic necessities to child who weighs as much as my right thigh and is newer than most of my underwear. The 90 mph needed to keep up with this new title of momma is fueled by complaints, anxiety, stress, and a glass that is perpetually half empty, obstacles that seem insurmountable, dark tunnels and black clouds. Every day I am convinced that this will be the day all the baby books and parenting magazines talk about...when things get easier. And everyday I fall into bed with a dream left unrealized.

And while I patiently wait, red pen in hand, to make that final "X" on a calendar of hard days, I realize that its up to me to change this gloom and doom attitude that has overtaken my usually cheery demenour as of late. Its up to me to regain control of my life, one title at a time. And while that seems downright impossible if I plan to get any sleep whatsoever, apparently other people fulfill the role of momma and a few other hats every day, so it must be doable, right? So now I must decide which title to reinstate first. Lucky for me, theres three feet of snow slowly melting outside so I think "landscaper" can hide out safely on the list a little while longer. Im guessing I should probably regain the role of wife first because without Kake's support, I dont think I can accomplish all the rest. So while I cant promise days rife with puppy dogs and rainbows, I can assure you (and by you I mean the self that I write this to) that from here on out my glass will be half full and really, to me, thats a good start.