33 1/3

My littlest friend,

I saw a woman the other day at the drugstore who was both physically and mentally handicapped. I immediately started holding back tears. My first thought was how tough her life must be and how unfair it was that some people have such a heavy cross to bear in this life while others float by with relatively trivial problems (only a few gems missing from their tiara). My second thought was how brave and resilient this woman was to navigate a world so rough around the edges with calm and grace and endless polite "thank you"s. But it was my third thought that brings me to this letter to you on your 4 month birthday, the day that you are 33 1/3 percent through your first year of life. The third thing I thought to myself was "thank God my baby is okay".

I cant even imagine the heavy heart I would carry every day if I knew that your future would be an endless struggle with countless impossibilities and daily obstacles. Unfortunately our society is full of ignorant people who only see a cover rather than a whole book. And I cant imagine a life where your childhood will be filled with looks of pity and sarcastic jokes at your expense. As the tears well over thinking of how lucky I am to have you--a healthy, happy, beautiful girl--I remind myself that there are so many lessons I need to teach you. And the one for your fourth month is this.....be kind. Be grateful and compassionate. Be understanding and honorable. Be the kind of person that has a full heart and the patience to get to know the entire book rather than judging the cover.

Its not always easy to be that person. But I hope that your dad and I, and the rest of your family, can help you to build a strength of character that can withstand the peer pressure to come. I hope we can instill in you a confidence that allows you to follow through with what is right, even if its hard or unpopular. I hope you become a friend to a whole variety of people and discover how our differences can make us even more interesting and worthwhile than our similarities.

The point is, I hope you will be good. Not just the kind of child who is well behaved in the grocery store, says excuse me when she burps, and covers her mouth when she coughs, but also the kind of person who carries a pure heart, a friendly smile, and a helping hand. This is my wish for you on your 4 month birthday. A tall order for a little babe, I know, but Im pretty sure you are already learning that your smile can lift up the heaviest of hearts and make the most stressful days a little less gray. So just keep smiling for now, we'll work on the helping hands later.

I love you,

Momma

At Wits End

After months of just not being able to put my finger on it, I finally realized what it is about parenthood that has me reeling....Ive lost control of my life.

Before I was a mother I was a lot of things. I was a steady, dedicated and (mostly) hardworking employee. I made time for Kake and I's weekly date night. I called my mom almost everyday and never flaked on plans with friends unless I had a really good reason like a contagion or lack of transportation. I treated my body like a temple--well, maybe more like A-class office space--with near daily workouts, surgeon general reccommended 7-8 hours of nightly sleep, monthly pedicures, quarterly hair highlights, and multi-step skin regimens. My biggest vice was ice cream and gummy bears while my house was clean and smelled of fresh linen or pumpkin or mistletoe. Flowers were planted and replanted to signal the passing of each new season and there was always some home improvement, decoration, or cooking project in danger of being crossed off the to-do list.

In the days and months and years before motherhood, I was it all. I was a wife and daughter, a friend, neighbor, coworker and book club member. I was a landscaper and dishwasher, cook and seamstress. And perhaps most importantly I was a glass half full. Every obstacle had a bright side, every tunnel a light, every cloud a silver lining. But now I am only momma. And while some may say that is enough, I cant bring myself to agree.

Its a sobering experience to realize that I could (largely) gracefully juggle all of those aforementioned hats and yet my head spins while trying to provide life's basic necessities to child who weighs as much as my right thigh and is newer than most of my underwear. The 90 mph needed to keep up with this new title of momma is fueled by complaints, anxiety, stress, and a glass that is perpetually half empty, obstacles that seem insurmountable, dark tunnels and black clouds. Every day I am convinced that this will be the day all the baby books and parenting magazines talk about...when things get easier. And everyday I fall into bed with a dream left unrealized.

And while I patiently wait, red pen in hand, to make that final "X" on a calendar of hard days, I realize that its up to me to change this gloom and doom attitude that has overtaken my usually cheery demenour as of late. Its up to me to regain control of my life, one title at a time. And while that seems downright impossible if I plan to get any sleep whatsoever, apparently other people fulfill the role of momma and a few other hats every day, so it must be doable, right? So now I must decide which title to reinstate first. Lucky for me, theres three feet of snow slowly melting outside so I think "landscaper" can hide out safely on the list a little while longer. Im guessing I should probably regain the role of wife first because without Kake's support, I dont think I can accomplish all the rest. So while I cant promise days rife with puppy dogs and rainbows, I can assure you (and by you I mean the self that I write this to) that from here on out my glass will be half full and really, to me, thats a good start.

Three Month Letter

Maren,

You reminded me this month that the world is full of amazing articles--like hands and thumbs for sucking, vowel sounds for babbling, bellies for tickling, and feet for kicking. You make your dad and I laugh because you cant stand to NOT be the center of attention. Maybe its cruel of us, but we often experiment on you, purposely looking away and engaging in our own chatter to see how long it takes you to make a fuss over the fact that our eyes are not fully on yours. Just so you know, its about 8 seconds. Youve started talking a lot this month, probably because youre sick of us taking 10 minutes and 5 attempts to figure out what the source of your crying is and how to remedy the situation. Still, Im sorry to tell you that your babbles are not giving us any better clues.

What I have learned about you, my little girl, over the last three months is this: you look fabulous in blue, you love the song "barbara ann", you gain some strange security by holding onto my shirt while eating, you pretend to hate it when your dad showers you with kisses but I know you secretly love that you already have him wrapped around your finger, you have no interest in cats, you hate hats, your closest friends are the elephants and lions on your crib mobile, you love car rides but the first few minutes of stoplights really piss you off, you'd eat all day if we let you, and through all this I can already tell that youre going to be a handful.

Im amazed at all the things Ive learned about you in such a short period of time and I marvel at how unique you already are. Its so strange that you already seem so grown up and you havent even made it through an entire season yet. I can only imagine all the amazing articles youll find in a few months when we're taking walks outside and smelling flowers and feeling the tickle of grass on our toes. Thoughts of those moments ahead make me realize that strangely, time can stand still while still moving too quickly.

I love you,

Momma

Back to the Future

After a night of restless sleep and a morning of incessently checking my phone for a snow cancellation or delay, preparations for day one back at work began with 5:42am blazing on the alarm clock. The mayhem was expected but with Kakes help I was able to get out the door only 30 minutes late without battling spit up or unplanned wardrobe changes (however you know youre succeeding at breastfeeding when your shirts no longer fit across your chest). I was expecting no less than chaos so all things considered the morning went pretty well.

The work day flew by, what with hundreds of emails to go through, countless coworkers stopping by to share my discontent with being at work on a snowy Monday, and seemingly constant trips to the windowless seclusion of the defacto lactation room. By the end of the day I had scoured my email inbox and my desk, making a fresh start for this new life after childbirth.

In the end I felt bad for NOT being a soggy weepy mess my first day away from my baby. I'm sure cabin fever from a weekend stuck inside helped to increase my excitement at leaving the house and the knowledge that Maren was next door with Kristina and baby Adam also made the thought of her being without mom or dad just a little more bearable. And who knows, maybe it's just the novelty of getting to eat lunch with two hands and pee without a soundtrack of fitfully crying baby that lulls me into the false sense that this working mom thing might just suit me......until one day a couple weeks from now I'll break down crying during a staff meeting because the talk of taking baby steps to raise funds for transportation infrastructure makes me think of my little girl reaching that milestone with someone else standing by.

Regardless of how thin my threads of sanity may be a few weeks from now, I just have to remember the wise lyrics of Bob Marley "baby don't worry about a thing, cause every little things gonna be alright".

New Horizons for 2010

Many of you know that each year I "try to like" a couple things that I usually shy away from in hopes of broadening my horizons and becoming a more well rounded individual. Up to this point its always been foodstuffs, I dont know why, perhaps because my life really revolves around food? Last year my plan was to like sushi and red wine. Then March came around and I found out that babykakes was on the way so both alcohol and raw fish were off limits. This year Im picking up sushi once again and adding olives to the list as well. I currently like black olives (of course the most fattening variety) but other kinds are too salty for my taste. Until this year! 2010 is my year to like olives...hopefully. If you have any suggestions for ways to ease into sushi or olives (probably not both at the same time), let me know.

A Letter to Maren at 2 Months

Disclaimer: I realize that Maren's 2 month birthday is long gone but hopefully as my life gets back into more of a routine it will be easier to update the blog at appropriate times. We'll see.

Babykakes,

This month has been a roller coaster. The first week of your second month was hellish with a growth spurt and a serious textbook example of acid reflux, complete with projectile vomitting, lots of laundry, and not a lot of sleep. There were moments where I understood that mythical idea that as a parent, you would do anything to help your child and make her feel better. Seeing you cry and in pain made me want to cry too (and sometimes made me want to take Bishop's lead and hightail it out of the room). Lucky for both of us a small dropper of medication lessened your discomfort, resulting in less spit up, less laundry, less crying (for both of us), and more sleep.

The improvement of your reflux seemed to set off a positive trend and soon you were smiling--lighting up faces and melting hearts well into 2010. As many others have said, seeing that smile made all the days, and nights, of exhaustion and frustration and seemingly thankless effort, worth it. Your smile is so contagious that I know there will be days ahead when I feel overwhelmed or tired and you'll pick me up with your gummy grin. And this reminds me that happiness and laughter is truly infectious.

So my new years resolution for you is to always show you happiness. There will be plenty of time for you to learn about the ample tragedies and sadness rampant in this world, but for now, you can be blissfully ignorant, thinking that everyone makes googly faces, blows raspberries, and plays peek-a-boo on a daily basis.

All my love,

Momma

The first 30 days

I should have written this post a few weeks ago but life seemed to get in the way so here it is now, by the grace of the better late than never rule.

As many people warned me, the first few weeks of parenthood just downright suck.......usually. And perhaps I was one of those lucky pregnant women who had very little morning sickness and swelling, no acne, minimal fatigue and heartburn, fairly quick and easy labor etc , but sadly this luck did not follow me out of the delivery room.

What I did take with me from the hospital was a grab bag of narcotics, hemmorhoid cream, and sanitary pads large enough to double as couch cushions.....which only scratched the surface of the accoutrements I would need over the next few weeks to maintain my post partum body.Though some women quickly recover from pushing a watermelon through a passage the size of a prune, my physical recovery was a long and painful journey that unfairly colored my first few weeks of mommyhood with negativity. Between the hemmorhoids that caused nurses to gasp and offer more pain medication, a tailbone that felt surely bruised, the sore and burning nipples from hours of tugging and suckling, and the myriad small aches and pains from the IVs, stitches, and uterine cramping I was truely a hot mess---physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I will say that after just a couple weeks most of these issues had gone or were on the mend and life as a mom was looking up...slightly.

We made it through Marens first growth spurt and some minor acid reflux issues before the first month closed. By the time we were in the thick of Christmas shopping my crotch no longer emited agonizing pains, I was no longer crying during Mastercard commercials, and we had both mastered changing a diaper without getting covered in bodily fluids.

As the first 4 weeks came to a close I finally had an answer to my daily question to self-- "what did I get myself into?!" Because despite the aches and pains and crying fits for both Maren and I, I began to realize that parenthood really does get better and I knew that the days of smiles and giggles were just around the corner and that anticipation was enough to keep me motivated through the days of sleep depravation, sore nipples, and poop dodging ahead.